Well here I am, one month in. I am proud of the progress I have made but this definitely going to be a long process. I have "come out" to most of my friends and I am really proud of myself because it was terrifying. Partially because I was scared of their reaction but also because it made it even more real. My counselor said that the more support I had the better so them knowing makes this easier. No more excuses about not drinking, no more feeling guilty. It was hard but made it better.
I also have been trying to work on myself. I have been going to church more and have begun leading the singing at worship services. I have started a bible study/support group. I have been trying to 'let go and let God" more in my life. C and I are not perfect but we are a hell of a lot better than we were a month ago and I pray that we can keep moving forward. I feel like C has been trying more too and that means so much to me. I really want to have hope for us again.
One thing that I need to work on is my physical appearance - it seems that since I have been using so much of my willpower to avoid alcohol that I gave myself license to eat anything I want and now I have gained weight right before the holidays!!! I mean, who gains weight when they quit drinking beer every weekend??? I am proud of being healthier but I want my body to reflect my hard work. My goal for the next month before Christmas is to eat better. I want to fill my life with positives right now and this is just one more way to do that.
God, I am so thankful for the last month and I pray for the strength to make it through the next month. The holidays will be hard but I just want to focus on You and my little family. I want more for us that what we have been giving each other and I finally feel like I am on the right path. I love you.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
First AA Meeting - Day 20 of Sobriety
Ok so my post a couple of days ago was a false alarm. I tried to go to my first AA meeting but apparently God did not want me going that night because I got completely lost and finally gave up and went home. I thought I was going to get screwed again today when I tried to go because all of a sudden it was snowing hard but I made it in one piece. I was terrified and had to psych myself up even to get out of the car but I did it and it was a good experience.
One embarrassing moment? The meeting was held at a facility that also has a cafeteria for feeding the homeless. Well I pull up and go to the front door of the place and it is locked and a bunch of people are standing outside. They are all pretty scruffy looking and one of them asked me if I was a volunteer. I answered, "Nope, I am the real deal" thinking that she did not think I looked like an addict. I talked with a couple of people for a few minutes and gradually I learned that I was supposed to go in the back door for the AA meeting - I had been standing in line with the homeless waiting for the food to be served! Here I was with my Abercrombie sweatshirt and Coach purse all put-together in line with people that just wanted to get some food - I must have looked like a complete asshole. Thankfully they were nice and directed me to where I needed to go. I am wondering if that was God trying to tell me something and I may look into volunteering there or something.
The meeting itself was pretty simple. We read a chapter about one of the twelve steps out loud and then went around the circle and talked about what it meant to us. The chapter we read was about Step Two and talked about believing that a Higher Power can help us overcome the need for alcohol. The part that resonated with me the most was when it talked about the difference between someone drinking and someone being an alcoholic was "soundness of mind." This is exactly why I know that I have a problem. For me, alcohol is not just a beverage and a night of drinking is not just a little release from a hard week - once I get alcohol in my system I am no longer sane. All rational thought dissolves, any semblance of control is lost, and eventually I am not even present in the moment. And I do not have to be a daily drinker to realize that alcohol and I do not have a normal relationship. Am I lucky that I learned this early? I think so. The alcoholic in me is sad that I could have had some more fun before coming to this conclusion, but seeing the others in the group today really showed me how far I could have fallen. Most of them had been court ordered to be there. Some of them were addicted to drugs as well as alcohol. A few had lost their jobs, families, homes. I am lucky. What did I lose? A few good Saturday nights and some fun buzzed conversations. I have to remember the trade off.
Today was a big step for me, one I hope takes me in the right direction. With God and support I might be able to do this. One day at a time.
One embarrassing moment? The meeting was held at a facility that also has a cafeteria for feeding the homeless. Well I pull up and go to the front door of the place and it is locked and a bunch of people are standing outside. They are all pretty scruffy looking and one of them asked me if I was a volunteer. I answered, "Nope, I am the real deal" thinking that she did not think I looked like an addict. I talked with a couple of people for a few minutes and gradually I learned that I was supposed to go in the back door for the AA meeting - I had been standing in line with the homeless waiting for the food to be served! Here I was with my Abercrombie sweatshirt and Coach purse all put-together in line with people that just wanted to get some food - I must have looked like a complete asshole. Thankfully they were nice and directed me to where I needed to go. I am wondering if that was God trying to tell me something and I may look into volunteering there or something.
The meeting itself was pretty simple. We read a chapter about one of the twelve steps out loud and then went around the circle and talked about what it meant to us. The chapter we read was about Step Two and talked about believing that a Higher Power can help us overcome the need for alcohol. The part that resonated with me the most was when it talked about the difference between someone drinking and someone being an alcoholic was "soundness of mind." This is exactly why I know that I have a problem. For me, alcohol is not just a beverage and a night of drinking is not just a little release from a hard week - once I get alcohol in my system I am no longer sane. All rational thought dissolves, any semblance of control is lost, and eventually I am not even present in the moment. And I do not have to be a daily drinker to realize that alcohol and I do not have a normal relationship. Am I lucky that I learned this early? I think so. The alcoholic in me is sad that I could have had some more fun before coming to this conclusion, but seeing the others in the group today really showed me how far I could have fallen. Most of them had been court ordered to be there. Some of them were addicted to drugs as well as alcohol. A few had lost their jobs, families, homes. I am lucky. What did I lose? A few good Saturday nights and some fun buzzed conversations. I have to remember the trade off.
Today was a big step for me, one I hope takes me in the right direction. With God and support I might be able to do this. One day at a time.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Day 17 of Sobriety
Tonight I am going to my first AA meeting. I am fucking terrified. This may be the bravest thing I have ever done. No one knows I am going, not even C. I need to do this for me. To be honest, I am scared to come out and tell people because I am scared that I will fail and I don't want to let people I love down again. So maybe seeing strangers will be easier. My counselor says I should go to "broaden my support system." I think that this is probably a good idea. I mean, it is easier to fuck up if you don't have to be accountable to anyone, right? And I am hoping that seeing others in my position will help me understand that I am not alone in this.
Things I am scared of:
I am scared of not being a big enough drunk. Does that sound stupid? I mean, I am not a daily drinker, I hold down a good job, I appear on the outside to have it together. I am scared that the room will be filled with people that have major problems and that it will make me feel too good about myself, weaken my resolve. I am scared of not having fallen far enough off course to turn the boat around. It is like when I go on a diet - I am not really fat, i just want to lose a few pounds. All it takes is a few people saying, "you don't need to lose weight, you look great!" or "If you need to lose weight, what about me?" and I am back to eating fucking cookies. I am scared to eat these cookies.
I am scared of being looked at like a huge drunk. Most of this stems from the possibility of seeing someone at the meeting that I might know or run into in the future. I mean, is says Anonymous in the title and all but I am pretty sure if someone recognizes me at work from one of these that it will reflect badly on me - who wants to think that their nurse is a drunk? It makes me want to wear a sticker on my forehead that says "Binge Drinker" or "Weekend Warrior" or something equally lame to try and show people that I am safe to drive home, you know?
I am scared of failing at this and falling back into old patterns. I am so scared to go back to that place. I keep reminding myself of all of the stupid shit I have done drunk and that keeps me on track. Just the image of looking up at my mother through the bathwater the night I blacked out is enough to bring tears to my eyes. Or the look on C's face when I have said the perfect awful thing to break his heart and make him storm off. Those moments are why I am going tonight. For every horrible thing I have said, for every drive home I cannot remember, for every scrape I could not explain, for every morning-after headache, for every on-my-knees-tears-down-my-face-retching moment - that is why I am going. I am better than this. I deserve better than this.
Wish me luck.
Things I am scared of:
I am scared of not being a big enough drunk. Does that sound stupid? I mean, I am not a daily drinker, I hold down a good job, I appear on the outside to have it together. I am scared that the room will be filled with people that have major problems and that it will make me feel too good about myself, weaken my resolve. I am scared of not having fallen far enough off course to turn the boat around. It is like when I go on a diet - I am not really fat, i just want to lose a few pounds. All it takes is a few people saying, "you don't need to lose weight, you look great!" or "If you need to lose weight, what about me?" and I am back to eating fucking cookies. I am scared to eat these cookies.
I am scared of being looked at like a huge drunk. Most of this stems from the possibility of seeing someone at the meeting that I might know or run into in the future. I mean, is says Anonymous in the title and all but I am pretty sure if someone recognizes me at work from one of these that it will reflect badly on me - who wants to think that their nurse is a drunk? It makes me want to wear a sticker on my forehead that says "Binge Drinker" or "Weekend Warrior" or something equally lame to try and show people that I am safe to drive home, you know?
I am scared of failing at this and falling back into old patterns. I am so scared to go back to that place. I keep reminding myself of all of the stupid shit I have done drunk and that keeps me on track. Just the image of looking up at my mother through the bathwater the night I blacked out is enough to bring tears to my eyes. Or the look on C's face when I have said the perfect awful thing to break his heart and make him storm off. Those moments are why I am going tonight. For every horrible thing I have said, for every drive home I cannot remember, for every scrape I could not explain, for every morning-after headache, for every on-my-knees-tears-down-my-face-retching moment - that is why I am going. I am better than this. I deserve better than this.
Wish me luck.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Day 14 of Sobriety
Being sober is hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Who would have thought that giving up something that you only do a couple of weekends a month would be so freaking hard? I mean, damn, if it is this hard for me how the heck do daily drinkers ever survive this?
I think the hardest part is that I am not a "big" drinker. My friends don't see the damage it causes, and neither do our families. So they will all be flabbergasted to know that I am no longer drinking. I am actually scared to tell people because I know they will argue with me and weaken my resolve. What keeps me going is having to be accountable to my parents, to my counselor, and to C. I already have had to turn down drinks with my friends once, my coworkers once, and to a waitress once. Even my parents who know about and support my decision drank a bottle of wine in front of me this week! It is freaking hard.
The good thing is that I obviously do not drink on nights before I work so I am going to use that excuse for a while until i get farther out and better at saying no. I figure I just have to make it like six months or so before people start assuming that I am not drinking and the pressure will hopefully lighten.
Now I have just begun to focus on me and my healing. I have been reading Al-Anon books to try and detach from C's drinking so that I have a shot in hell at treating my own issues. I have been reaching out to friends and trying to organize more wholesome activities. I am getting more involved in church. I am going to start AA next week once I am off work. It is all terrifying but if it keeps me where I am at and moving forward then it is all worth it. I hope I can get back to a place where sobriety feels normal again. I used to be a nondrinker! I used to be able to go to a party or a dance club sober and not feel awkward. I want to get that comfort back.
As for C and I, we had a good week. My birthday came and went and C got me a thoughtful card and gift and that meant a lot since we have been through so much in the past few months that he easily could have copped out. He too has been "cutting back" on his drinking and while I know that means he will have a "next time" I just hope that it is farther away and that we can deal with it more effectively. We still are at odds about having children though, and C gets really closed off and defensive when I bring it up. I know that we are not anywhere near ready for children at this point but I am now thinking about the future and I wish the lines of communication were more open. I pray that with time we can heal our wounds and maybe have a shot at being a family someday.
So what is next on the agenda? One day at a time as they say. I hope to make it through a football party this week and my weekend off this coming weekend without drama. I hope to make it to AA orientation this week without feeling completely embarrassed. I hope C and I can laugh this week.
I think the hardest part is that I am not a "big" drinker. My friends don't see the damage it causes, and neither do our families. So they will all be flabbergasted to know that I am no longer drinking. I am actually scared to tell people because I know they will argue with me and weaken my resolve. What keeps me going is having to be accountable to my parents, to my counselor, and to C. I already have had to turn down drinks with my friends once, my coworkers once, and to a waitress once. Even my parents who know about and support my decision drank a bottle of wine in front of me this week! It is freaking hard.
The good thing is that I obviously do not drink on nights before I work so I am going to use that excuse for a while until i get farther out and better at saying no. I figure I just have to make it like six months or so before people start assuming that I am not drinking and the pressure will hopefully lighten.
Now I have just begun to focus on me and my healing. I have been reading Al-Anon books to try and detach from C's drinking so that I have a shot in hell at treating my own issues. I have been reaching out to friends and trying to organize more wholesome activities. I am getting more involved in church. I am going to start AA next week once I am off work. It is all terrifying but if it keeps me where I am at and moving forward then it is all worth it. I hope I can get back to a place where sobriety feels normal again. I used to be a nondrinker! I used to be able to go to a party or a dance club sober and not feel awkward. I want to get that comfort back.
As for C and I, we had a good week. My birthday came and went and C got me a thoughtful card and gift and that meant a lot since we have been through so much in the past few months that he easily could have copped out. He too has been "cutting back" on his drinking and while I know that means he will have a "next time" I just hope that it is farther away and that we can deal with it more effectively. We still are at odds about having children though, and C gets really closed off and defensive when I bring it up. I know that we are not anywhere near ready for children at this point but I am now thinking about the future and I wish the lines of communication were more open. I pray that with time we can heal our wounds and maybe have a shot at being a family someday.
So what is next on the agenda? One day at a time as they say. I hope to make it through a football party this week and my weekend off this coming weekend without drama. I hope to make it to AA orientation this week without feeling completely embarrassed. I hope C and I can laugh this week.
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