End of 2011.

2011 was a fucking hard year for me.  I look at where I am at right now and while some things are going better than they were I feel like I am emotionally wrecked.  I don't know who I am or what I want and I feel like I need to take a really long nap before I can even think about starting another round of this.  Of course, I work this holiday so sleeping will not be in order, but seriously I feel like I have been through the wringer.

And I guess I have been through the wringer.  2011 kicked my ass.  My first full year of being a married person.  C and I started really having problems during the big drunk fight this summer and it really has not felt right since.  I struggle because on days like this I am scared that I have made the wrong decision marrying him, that we somehow got lost along the way and I am not sure how to get us back to good.  I feel like we got lost in the shuffle and exited out of separate doors and nobody will let us back inside.  I love him so much that my heart has hurt for the last six months. 

In some ways I am doing well, I mean I have been sober for nearly two months and have been slowly creating a new normal for myself when it comes to not drinking.  My job is going well and I really like that I am moving up on the totem pole.  I like being in charge and like leaving feeling like I accomplished something.  Work gives me confidence when the rest of the world seems to be taking it away.  My family and friends are wonderful as always and I feel like a new person with my relationship with God and my involvement in the church.  Singing on Sundays makes me feel wonderful.  I love singing in church and it just makes me feel so free and good and like the world is glowing.  Singing is bringing me some happiness.  I have a lot of good but I just feel so lost and I am really looking forward to a new year. 

I feel helpless and gross and fat and tired and lonely even when I am with people.  I feel like I am losing my grip on my happiness and I don't know why.  Like my life choices are slipping through my fingers and that no matter how hard I try to hold it all in I lose it all.  I am really scared about the future.  I know that C and I have something special but we need to find it again.  I need to find myself again.  I think all of this drama with alcohol and fighting made me lose who I am and now I am questioning everything.  I hope that the new year can bring me peace and the time to step back and find some clarity. 

Good riddance 2011, you did your best and I am broken but I will pull through.  Just wait and see.

57 days sober

Christmas was a hard week for me and also one I am proud of.  C and I have been fighting a lot about his drinking and it exploded this past week.  He has been going to the bar constantly and while he is not coming home drunk he is there all. the. time.  I have been freaking out about it and the more I freak out the more he seems to pull away and go out more.  This time of year is always a little that way with all of the holiday spirit and less work on his part, but I guess it hit me really hard this year because I am sober and because I have been looking ahead to the future and this is not the kind of life I want to raise kids in.  We fought hard all week and barely made it functional through Christmas and I am still figuring out how I feel about the whole thing.  He wants me to back of and I do think now that I pushed him too hard and came across as too controlling but I feel so strongly about it that it has been hard for me to let go.  Christmas was hard but good because we hung out with family and I got to see how much I do love him and how much I love the little life we have built and how I need to fight to keep us together.  I am going to try letting go and hope that he comes around.  He is just so amazing with his nieces and nephews that I pray that he will eventually move towards that and away from the bar scene.  I am proud of making it through the holiday without drinking and especially with the fighting about drinking it meant a lot for me to stay strong.  I also told C's side of the family that I quit and they are big drinkers so it felt good to get it out in the open.  My goals this week are to stay focused on me and stay busy and see if C and I can come to some peace. 

48 Days Sober

I am still here, proud that I am plugging along...

New Year's Eve will be 2 months sober and I feel that this is a fitting way to start off the new year.  I am setting myself up to make 2012 the year of my "rebirth."  I have been trying to get my body, mind, and soul on the same page so that I can start next year off right and make it something I can look on with pride and see it as a time of growth.

My biggest priority right now is staying sober.  I have not been to any more meetings but so far I am ok with that.  I have not had a drop of alcohol since quitting and I can only thank God for keeping me focused on a better life with Him.  I have come out to many of my friends and I think that has been a huge help for me.  People have been fairly accepting and except for the awkward, "you are not drinking?" at the beginning of a night out, everyone seems to let it go quickly and most of my evenings have gone pretty smoothly.  Of course I miss the feeling of being buzzed but so far keeping myself accountable to people and staying committed to my goals of bettering myself have kept me on the course.  I have faith that I have laid a foundation for future sobriety and that it should get easier the farther out I am from this. 

My next goal for the new year is taking care of my body.  I feel that this goes hand in hand with my newfound lease on cleaner living and I want my body to reflect that.  Every year since college I have been talking about losing a couple of pounds and toning up and I want this to be the year that I actually follow through.  I feel like this next year is about me before we talk about starting a family and I am just excited to be the best that I can be.  I want to work on eating cleaner and stepping up my exercise.  I want to cut out more of the artificial crap and really focus on feeling good.  Before I would do well during the week and go out and binge on alcohol and food all weekend and now that I have cut out the alcohol part the food part remains.  I think that I can work on both now that I have a better handle on the drinking part.  Hopefully I have enough willpower to go around!

Next I have been really focused on God and how He is working in me and my life.  I have been singing at church and I am getting so much out of it.  There is just nothing better than belting out a song and feeling the Holy Spirit working.  I know it is partially selfish since I get so much enjoyment out of it but I hope that maybe my enthusiasm will spill over into those listening and help them feel as good hearing it as I do singing it.  Also, getting up early on Sunday morning is one more reason to stay sober on Saturday night, and lets face it, the more the merrier when it comes to reasons to keep away from the beer!!!

Anyway, I pray that the end of the year goes smoothly for us and I look forward to starting fresh on January 1st.  It will be nice to start the new year off on a positive note instead of a hangover!  :)

Sigh...

I am feeling a little sad this week.  C has been out drinking a lot this week and was drunk on Wednesday when he came home.  It happens in the winter every year but it is disheartening since we have been doing so well. 

It makes me sad for two reasons.  For one, he is funny when he is drunk and that makes it hard for me.  He came home chatty and played with the dogs.  We wrestled with them on the floor and got into it ourselves and spent a good half an hour laughing our asses off together.  That makes me feel hollow inside because I know that it is not real, it is enhanced by alcohol and it makes me wonder if he would be like this with me at that moment if he were sober.  I also hate it because then I have fun with him and feel like there are no negative consequences for his drinking and that it will continue longer because of this and that will be bad for him.  The other reason it makes me sad this week is because I see it wear on his face.  I know what it looks like bause I have seen it so many times on myself in them mirror.  I know what it feels like and I cannot believe that he does not notice that it makes him feel like crap.  Maybe he is oblivious or maybe he likes feeling drunk that much more, I don't know.  For me it was so major that I could not ignore the cause and effect.  His eyes look bloated and puffy, shiny in pictures.  He looks flushed and unwell.  He comes home the next day and takes a nap at 0230 in the afternoon and does not see that he is basically down for the count. 

I don't want this to kill him and I know it is.  He has high cholesterol and he gets so swollen that I fear for his heart.  He is so high risk and anything I say goes in one ear and out the other.  Please hear me, C.  Please take care of yourself.  I cannot bear a life without you and I want you here and healthy for as long as we are given.  Please wake up and see that you deserve a different life.  That we deserve more.  That there is a person inside of you that one knew how to enjoy himself sober.  I want health and happiness for you so badly.  Please listen.  I love you.

One Month Sober

Well here I am, one month in.  I am proud of the progress I have made but this definitely going to be a long process.  I have "come out" to most of my friends and I am really proud of myself because it was terrifying.  Partially because I was scared of their reaction but also because it made it even more real.  My counselor said that the more support I had the better so them knowing makes this easier.  No more excuses about not drinking, no more feeling guilty.  It was hard but made it better. 

I also have been trying to work on myself.  I have been going to church more and have begun leading the singing at worship services.  I have started a bible study/support group.  I have been trying to 'let go and let God" more in my life.  C and I are not perfect but we are a hell of a lot better than we were a month ago and I pray that we can keep moving forward.  I feel like C has been trying more too and that means so much to me.  I really want to have hope for us again. 

One thing that I need to work on is my physical appearance - it seems that since I have been using so much of my willpower to avoid alcohol that I gave myself license to eat anything I want and now I have gained weight right before the holidays!!!  I mean, who gains weight when they quit drinking beer every weekend???  I am proud of being healthier but I want my body to reflect my hard work.  My goal for the next month before Christmas is to eat better.  I want to fill my life with positives right now and this is just one more way to do that. 

God, I am so thankful for the last month and I pray for the strength to make it through the next month.  The holidays will be hard but I just want to focus on You and my little family.  I want more for us that what we have been giving each other and I finally feel like I am on the right path.  I love you. 

First AA Meeting - Day 20 of Sobriety

Ok so my post a couple of days ago was a false alarm.  I tried to go to my first AA meeting but apparently God did not want me going that night because I got completely lost and finally gave up and went home.  I thought I was going to get screwed again today when I tried to go because all of a sudden it was snowing hard but I made it in one piece.  I was terrified and had to psych myself up even to get out of the car but I did it and it was a good experience. 

One embarrassing moment?  The meeting was held at a facility that also has a cafeteria for feeding the homeless.  Well I pull up and go to the front door of the place and it is locked and a bunch of people are standing outside.  They are all pretty scruffy looking and one of them asked me if I was a volunteer.  I answered, "Nope, I am the real deal" thinking that she did not think I looked like an addict.  I talked with a couple of people for a few minutes and gradually I learned that I was supposed to go in the back door for the AA meeting - I had been standing in line with the homeless waiting for the food to be served!  Here I was with my Abercrombie sweatshirt and Coach purse all put-together in line with people that just wanted to get some food - I must have looked like a complete asshole.  Thankfully they were nice and directed me to where I needed to go.  I am wondering if that was God trying to tell me something and I may look into volunteering there or something. 

The meeting itself was pretty simple.  We read a chapter about one of the twelve steps out loud and then went around the circle and talked about what it meant to us.  The chapter we read was about Step Two and talked about believing that a Higher Power can help us overcome the need for alcohol.  The part that resonated with me the most was when it talked about the difference between someone drinking and someone being an alcoholic was "soundness of mind."  This is exactly why I know that I have a problem.  For me, alcohol is not just a beverage and a night of drinking is not just a little release from a hard week - once I get alcohol in my system I am no longer sane.  All rational thought dissolves, any semblance of control is lost, and eventually I am not even present in the moment.  And I do not have to be a daily drinker to realize that alcohol and I do not have a normal relationship.  Am I lucky that I learned this early?  I think so.  The alcoholic in me is sad that I could have had some more fun before coming to this conclusion, but seeing the others in the group today really showed me how far I could have fallen.  Most of them had been court ordered to be there.  Some of them were addicted to drugs as well as alcohol.  A few had lost their jobs, families, homes.  I am lucky.  What did I lose?  A few good Saturday nights and some fun buzzed conversations.  I have to remember the trade off. 

Today was a big step for me, one I hope takes me in the right direction.  With God and support I might be able to do this.  One day at a time. 

Day 17 of Sobriety

Tonight I am going to my first AA meeting.  I am fucking terrified.  This may be the bravest thing I have ever done.  No one knows I am going, not even C.  I need to do this for me.  To be honest, I am scared to come out and tell people because I am scared that I will fail and I don't want to let people I love down again.  So maybe seeing strangers will be easier.  My counselor says I should go to "broaden my support system."  I think that this is probably a good idea.  I mean, it is easier to fuck up if you don't have to be accountable to anyone, right?  And I am hoping that seeing others in my position will help me understand that I am not alone in this.

Things I am scared of:

I am scared of not being a big enough drunk.  Does that sound stupid?  I mean, I am not a daily drinker, I hold down a good job, I appear on the outside to have it together.  I am scared that the room will be filled with people that have major problems and that it will make me feel too good about myself, weaken my resolve.  I am scared of not having fallen far enough off course to turn the boat around.  It is like when I go on a diet - I am not really fat, i just want to lose a few pounds.  All it takes is a few people saying, "you don't need to lose weight, you look great!" or "If you need to lose weight, what about me?" and I am back to eating fucking cookies.  I am scared to eat these cookies. 

I am scared of being looked at like a huge drunk.  Most of this stems from the possibility of seeing someone at the meeting that I might know or run into in the future.  I mean, is says Anonymous in the title and all but I am pretty sure if someone recognizes me at work from one of these that it will reflect badly on me - who wants to think that their nurse is a drunk?  It makes me want to wear a sticker on my forehead that says "Binge Drinker" or "Weekend Warrior" or something equally lame to try and show people that I am safe to drive home, you know?

I am scared of failing at this and falling back into old patterns.  I am so scared to go back to that place.  I keep reminding myself of all of the stupid shit I have done drunk and that keeps me on track.  Just the image of looking up at my mother through the bathwater the night I blacked out is enough to bring tears to my eyes.  Or the look on C's face when I have said the perfect awful thing to break his heart and make him storm off.  Those moments are why I am going tonight.  For every horrible thing I have said, for every drive home I cannot remember, for every scrape I could not explain, for every morning-after headache, for every on-my-knees-tears-down-my-face-retching moment - that is why I am going.  I am better than this.  I deserve better than this. 

Wish me luck.

Day 14 of Sobriety

Being sober is hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  Who would have thought that giving up something that you only do a couple of weekends a month would be so freaking hard?  I mean, damn, if it is this hard for me how the heck do daily drinkers ever survive this? 

I think the hardest part is that I am not a "big" drinker.  My friends don't see the damage it causes, and neither do our families.  So they will all be flabbergasted to know that I am no longer drinking.  I am actually scared to tell people because I know they will argue with me and weaken my resolve.  What keeps me going is having to be accountable to my parents, to my counselor, and to C.  I already have had to turn down drinks with my friends once, my coworkers once, and to a waitress once.  Even my parents who know about and support my decision drank a bottle of wine in front of me this week!  It is freaking hard. 

The good thing is that I obviously do not drink on nights before I work so I am going to use that excuse for a while until i get farther out and better at saying no.  I figure I just have to make it like six months or so before people start assuming that I am not drinking and the pressure will hopefully lighten. 

Now I have just begun to focus on me and my healing.  I have been reading Al-Anon books to try and detach from C's drinking so that I have a shot in hell at treating my own issues.  I have been reaching out to friends and trying to organize more wholesome activities.  I am getting more involved in church.  I am going to start AA next week once I am off work.  It is all terrifying but if it keeps me where I am at and moving forward then it is all worth it.  I hope I can get back to a place where sobriety feels normal again.  I used to be a nondrinker!  I used to be able to go to a party or a dance club sober and not feel awkward.  I want to get that comfort back. 

As for C and I, we had a good week.  My birthday came and went and C got me a thoughtful card and gift and that meant a lot since we have been through so much in the past few months that he easily could have copped out.  He too has been "cutting back" on his drinking and while I know that means he will have a "next time" I just hope that it is farther away and that we can deal with it more effectively.  We still are at odds about having children though, and C gets really closed off and defensive when I bring it up.  I know that we are not anywhere near ready for children at this point but I am now thinking about the future and I wish the lines of communication were more open.  I pray that with time we can heal our wounds and maybe have a shot at being a family someday. 

So what is next on the agenda?  One day at a time as they say.  I hope to make it through a football party this week and my weekend off this coming weekend without drama.  I hope to make it to AA orientation this week without feeling completely embarrassed.  I hope C and I can laugh this week. 

30 Days of Sobriety

Well it is amazing how quickly the tides can turn when alcohol is involved.  Just as we were getting over C's drunken weekend I had one of my own.  Now we are once again back to baseline.  I fucking hate alcohol.  I hate that it has control over me.  I hate that is has control over my husband.  And I hate what it does to my marriage. 

I am taking my control back.  I am going to be proactive this time.  I am so fusking sick of waiting for the "next time."  There is always a next time with us.  No matter how much I try and how much I hound him to try, there is always a next time.  And each time we do this, it breaks us a little more.  Every fight is the same, and it hurts more each time because each time is a reminder that this will keep happening.  Every "I'm sorry" seems hollow and every promise seems empty.  There is nothing more we can say to each other about it because we know that there is nothing else to promise. 

I am done with this cycle.  I told C I was done with his side, and now I need to focus on me and me alone.  I signed up for counseling again and I talked to my parents so that they know and I have them for support.  I am going to try actual sobriety for 30 days.  If I can do it then I will add more. 

I am scared that I will fail.  I have always failed.  But we are failing anyway so I might as well try.  I want us to change.  I want us to be better.  God I want us to be better. 

I am on Day 2.  Pray for me.

Moment of Clarity

Well thing have been changing here.  C and I hit the wall last weekend and it has been an epiphany for me. 

Last weekend C and I had a wedding to go to and C was an usher.  The guys began drinking early and were drunk even before the ceremony.  I had no idea that C was already drunk when I arrived and took my seat in the church.  The ceremony was beautiful and once it was done we all climbed on the bus and began the festivities.   I began drinking at that time.  I was drunk at the reception but not horribly so.  I was dancing and having a wonderful time.  Unknown to me, C was hammered.  He actually threw up multiple times at the reception and I was completely unaware.  Then towards the end of the night C called me out in front of a bunch of our friends and yelled at me for being drunk.  I was mad because he too had been drinking and I felt that I had been fairly controlled despite my drinking.  He continued to be mad at me and continued to go out and drink more even after I took a cab home to go to bed.  I tried to avoid a fight but he continued to me mad at me for a few days until I hit the breaking point.

I do not want to be like this anymore and I have done a lot of self-examining this week.  C was completely out of line this past weekend and for once it showed him that he has drinking issues too.  C is an alcoholic but is in complete denial of the severity of the situation.  I begged him to go to counseling with me or to quit drinking with me.  He could not even agree to go without alcohol for three months so we could try and work on our marriage without alcohol being in the picture.  I knew as soon as he told me that he was not going to quit even for that short time that I was on my own in this. 

I think I am a huge enabler and that I have been codependent in my relationships for a long time.  I read on an al-anon website that sometimes the enabling spouse ends up with alcohol issues too because they drink to have something in common with the alcoholic.  It was an epiphany for me.  I am not a big drinker.  I never drink at home, I never drink by myself, most of my friends so not drink at all or drink very little, and I would have no problem doing things other than drinking on the weekends.  I like to drink on the occasional girls night or wedding, and despite the fact that I have gone completely overboard when hammered I think that left to my own devices I would not get like that nearly as often.  I have put myself in binge drinking situations and drank to excess.  I have gone to the bar and ended up hammered because it seemed silly to not be drinking when everyone around me seemed worse off.  I have continually made choices based on C's wants and not taken care of my own needs and wants.  I have turned myself into a binge drinker by binge drinking with an alcoholic. 

This was an awakening to me.  I need to look at my life as my own.  If I want to drink less, then I need to go out less - for ME, not him.  I need to do what I want to do on the weekends and if he wants to drink then I cannot stop him.  I need to work out what I want from life and I need to go get it.  I cannot control an alcoholic.  I cannot control myself when I drink to excess with him.  I need to let go of him and let him make his own decisions in regards to drinking and focus on my own.  I was too busy trying to fix both of us that I was failing at fixing myself.  If he wants to go out five nights a week then I cannot make him want to stay home.  I cannot make him enjoy other things in life than drinking.  These are things that he is going to have to do himself. 

I ordered a book on codependency and a book about al-anon and am reading them to keep me sane.  I want to release myself from the chains of alcohol and from the confines of a codependent relationship.  I want to look to God for guidance and to keep my focus on him.  I want to learn to detach with love and to allow C to make his own mistakes and to be accountable for my own shortcomings.  I want to let go. 

This is the first time that I can see a solution in all of this.  It is going to take time and it may not end with happily ever after but for once I can see myself for what I have let myself become.  I want more. 

Two Months Out

Baby Steps.

I am still here.  I have been bad about writing but I am back again.  The last two months has been some of the hardest of C's and my relationship but I can say that we are still here and still moving forward slowly.  We are not completely back in our groove but our anniversary was this past weekend and I can say that I have seen glimpses of us at a happier place and I pray that we can keep walking this path.  This weekend was a good one for us.  We went out of town together and while we still seem to run out of things to do or feel somewhat disconnected, we had some moments where I felt like we had some hope. 

I have only been drinking a drink or two here and there, nothing like before but it still scares me and I am trying to minimize even that.  I have been down this road far too many times now to feel safe in this place.  We crash and burn, pick up the pieces and after a while we get back into this rhythm and I start to relax my guard.  Once the storm has passed it is easier to let the details fade into the far reaches of the mind and the excuses begin - oh it is just a couple of drinks, or I can handle it this time because of a, b, or c and the cycle begins again.  Well not this time.  This time I am here, writing this in hopes that it keeps me focused on the past and keeps me from repeating that awful pattern.  This time I am giving my self to God's will and praying that I can keep my marriage a priority and that no matter what my husband's failings that I can change me.  I can change my own behavior and I can change how I react to his.  I can work on myself and trust that God has a plan for me in all of this.  I cannot change Him but I can change me.  I cannot make him act a certain way but I can change how I act.  I cannot make him love but I can love him.  I just pray with all of my heart that he will see the change in me and be proud of me for it.  I want him to look at me with love and admiration and see me for the person I am underneath my faults.  I want to have a relationship build on friendship and respect for one another because we lost those along the way.  I want a future together in which we work through things as a team. 

We are going to a wedding this weekend, at the same church we were married in.  I want to look at C and remember the happiness of that day.  I want us to be the couple we were meant to be, the one's that have always come back to each other and depended on each other.  I want him to be my best friend.  I want to feel God in my heart and use that love towards living my life.  Two months out.  I have some hope to cling to, some prayers to pray, and anticipation towards what the next month will bring.

One Month Out

Well, it has been about 5 weeks since C and I had our last blow up about drinking and about 7 weeks since the actual incident occurred.  Things are so-so between us but it has given me the tiniest hope for the future.

I have been really working hard at being the wife and person that I want to be and I am looking to keep improving.  We have gone out now numerous times and I have had only 5 drinks in the past 5 weeks.  I am still not proud of having any since I know that even one "good" night with drinking can be a slippery slope for me so I will continue to try and keep my marriage and new lifestyle as my top priority.  I am slowly trying to accept this lifestyle as my new normal, and hope to keep "walking the talk" so that C can see that I am serious about this change.  I also am trying to change in hopes that it will cut back on his drinking as well.  His is a problem too but he does not see it yet.  I am trying to be patient with this since I have not yet earned the right to address his issues, and am just trying to lead by example at this point. 

It is really hard.  There have been a number of days where I feel helpless like C and I are distant and that this will evenutally tear us apart.  But I know now that living the other way would doom us for sure so this is the best option right now.  All I can hope is that I can make the shift and that he will follow or at least customize his lifestyle to make it work so both of us can be happy.  I pray that we can do this.  The more that I examine myself and the more that I try to change my life back to the way I was before alcohol the more that I realize that I really want a simpler life.  I want to be done with the drama. 

We are doing ok.  Not great or really even good but we are together and we are moving forward which I guess is a lot better than I could say a month ago.  Progress I guess.  I wish time would move faster just so that we can heal more and grow back together again.  I pray that time does not pull us apart and I am going to do everything in my power to try and keep that from happening, and I hope that C does the same.  I will fight like hell for this relationship. 

The Worst Night

The problem with alcoholism is that no matter how awful the last awful night you had drinking was, the memory of it somehow seems to fade over time and that just leads to more awful times.  It is like my brain starts justifying my actions making them seem not so bad or it starts getting cocky when things are going well and I start to think that somehow the next time will be better or that I will somehow magically learn to control myself.  That is not the case and I need to remember that.  I need to stay focused on myself and focused on the person that I want to be - and that does not include binge drinking. 

The worst night ever was on Valentine's Day of all days, in 2010.  It was a night that should have been a turning point, a wake up call of sorts that set me on the path that I am struggling to walk today.  But it didn't.  Sure, I gave up alcohol for a while but soon I was back testing the waters, "watching" myself and thinking I had it under control.  Which I thought I did until the next time that I got wasted.  Because there always seems to be a next time. 

It was Valentine's Day and C and I had gone to dinner together and had a really good time.  We were sitting close and I had a glass of wine, being "careful" of course and telling myself that the one glass would be it for the night.  Well we had fun and chatted and when it was time to leave we were in good spirits and decided to go down to the local bar.  Now I am feeling happy-go-lucky since the night is going well so I let my guard down and have some beers at the bar.  That can't hurt, right? 

C gets a call from a couple of his single friends who tell him that they are having people out to their house and then going to the strip club.  Now I like this group of guys a lot, they are fun loving but definitely not the boyfriend types and think nothing of going to the strip club on Valentine's Day.  C asks me what I want to do and because I am tipsy I say sure, why not?  I actually feel cool about it, like I am the awesome girlfriend who is so laid back that she thinks that this will be an adventure - like C will think I am funloving for doing this.  Pathetic I know.  I am actually pumped about it. 

This is when things start to get bad.  We get to the guys house and C has brought beer for himself.  I take one and he gives me the look, the "don't you think you have had enough?" look that I know all too well.  But I am on a high because of our fun evening and since he and everyone else are drinking I blow him off.  I actually think I deserve to get drunk since I am so "cool" and going to the strip club for him.  I finish my beer quickly. 

Now I know C will flip out if I take another beer so this is where it gets embarassing - when I go upstairs to pee at the guys' house I peek in their fridge and they have beers on the shelf.  I take one and sneak it into the bathroom with me and quickly down it.  Looking back this makes me the most embarrassed because I recognize how this showcases my disordered drinking but at the time I could not stop myself. 

I am already drunk when we reach the strip club.  One of the guys orders a round and I get included which C is not happy about.  We are watching the nasty girls and I try to pace myself.  The next round I go up to buy myself and this is where the night gets foggy.  I remember going up by myself to buy a round for everyone.  I remember bringing the drinks back.  I vaguely remember getting a lap dance and getting slightly annoyed when C gets one.  After that the night goes blank.

I "come to" in pieces outside my garage trying to get the door code right and remember dropping the contents of my purse all over the stoop while trying to find my missing keys.  I can't find them and somehow manage to make a frantic call to my mother who shows up at the house freaking out because I was basically incoherent on the phone.  I am frantic because I can't get in the house (there was a key in the fridge next to me that I know about but was too out of it to remember at the time) and that I could not find C who was not answering the phone.  Next I remember being submerged in the bath tub, coming out of the water and seeing my mother sitting there on the edge.  I throw up in the garbage can that she holds for me.  Turns out C is in the other room sleeping, irate at me for my behavior.  I don't remember anything. 

Apparently C and I got in a fight at the strip club because I was hammered and he wanted to leave.  I would not go and he left me there with his friends.  According to them we went to another bar and I took tequila shots and drank more with them.  They put me in a cab and told the cabbie my address and sent me home.  Somehow I ended up in the freezing cold walking in the middle of the main street, blocks from my house and a policeman picked me up and brought me to my house. 

I do not remember any of that from that night.  I have questioned whether I was drugged at the strip club which led me to forget and keep drinking, but the sick thing is that I never got tested because I was too scared the doctor would just come back and tell me that it was all from my drinking.  I woke up with scratches on my hands and one on my back like I fell but don't remember doing so.  C asked me if I cheated on him and I was not able to tell him yes or no.  I have no idea why or how I ended up walking home instead of the cab I started out in.  I don't even remember the initial fight with C. 

It is a night like this that shows me how bad alcohol can be.  I could have died that night.  I could have been raped or wandered off and hit by a car.  I could have frozen to death.  I could have cheated on the man I love and not even remembered doing it.  I cannot even fathom what my poor mother was thinking watching her own daughter incoherent and freezing naked in that tub. 

I did not learn my lesson from that night right away and I am just barely beginning to grasp the depth of this disease now.  But I know that writing these things down have been helping me, because it keeps the memories fresh in my mind and allows me to relive the moments that led me down that path. 

I have no idea why C stayed with me after that night and after so many others.  I have broken him and broken his idea of me.  I am torn down in his eyes.  But if any good can come from this it is that I am slowly making my way out of the fog and doing everything to try and make this right.  I love him with all of my heart and I want a future that does not include any more nights like this.  I want to be able to overcome this.  One day at a time I am trying.  I must not forget.

My holey spirit

I have felt broken lately.  Like my life and heart are aching, like my marriage and the little life I have been building has holes in it.  And I have been searching for answers and trying my best to be a better person through all of this.  I have turned so often to alcohol for fun that I have lost my true self and my relationships with others along the way.  I do not know what it is like to have a night on the town not clouded by poison.  I don't know how to wake rested on a weekend morning and go outside to see the sun without a headache burdening me.  I had started to equate bring drunk with being me, and that should not and is not the case.  I am a good person and have plenty to offer the world without being tipsy.  I want to appreciate the quiet life. I want to achieve a simple supportive relationship with my husband.  I want to be someone who C wants to be with forever.  I want to enjoy the company of others without the crutch of alcohol to lean on.  I want to go to church on Sunday and not have to ask repentence for my actions the night before.  I was God in my heart and in my life and I want to show him my devotion through my actions as a human being.  I want Him to shine through me until people take notice and ask what it is that I do to be so happy.  I want to fill the holes in my holey spirit with His Holy Spirit.  I am going to try.

Hope?

I argued with C tonight about his coldness towards me.  I told him that I would do everything in my power to be the wife and woman that he fell in love with but that it takes two to make a marriage work.  I have been am emotional wreck throughout this week and a half and this journey is just beginning and will get harder before it gets easier. 

This weekend is a huge test of our relationship.  My reunion and our town festival are this weekend and there will be copious drinking at both that I will have to avoid to keep my faltering marriage in check.  I know that I can do this and I look forward to proving that to him, but he will be drunk all weekend and this will be hard for me.  Why do the happy drunks have all the fun?  How sick is it that I envy his addiction because it is more functional than my own?  I think that it is a testament to the struggle that is this disease that I look at him with jealousy since he will get to drink longer in life before he hits rock bottom.  I should be happy that I am saving my liver and relationships now and somehow avoided being thrown in jail or divorced (so far) and yet I look at him with longing. 

I will miss the drunken laughter between us, the sloppy kisses like teenagers out at the bar and the crazy knock-your-clothes off wake-up-with-bruises sex that comes with two people being that perfect level of drunk when you are both uninhibited yet funtional enough to get the deed done well.  Drunk sex sucks with one sober person.  I will miss sitting in our truck in the garage sappily belting out Journey and love songs while looking into each other's eyes. 

What I won't miss?  The aftermath.  Waking up at five in the morning feeling my heart race and skip beats because I am so dehydrated that it literally is having trouble functioning.  Cracking one eye open and not darking to look sideways because that will bring on the splitting headache right behind the eye socket.  The headache that brings the nausea and wretching up the stomach acid in an effort to stop the pounding.  My eyes and lips so dry that when i finally get dressed I wear eye shadow and lipstick to cover the circles and the chapped colored lips.  The purple spots sprinkled across my eyelids from thowing up.  My hands shaking voilently and the inability to go back to sleep to make it somehow better.  Struggling to appear normal - getting up and sneaking advil and downing water all while letting the dogs out and attempting to fool my husband into thinking he was wrong and that I was not that drunk the night before afterall.  To make him eat his words.  My heart seems to jump out of my chest when I remember the fight the night before and I struggle to remember how it started.  It doesn't matter that I can't remember or who started what.  All I know is that the night is in pieces and the ones that I can see in snapshots are of me screaming horrible things, getting in C's face, him throwing a stool (probably to avoid doing the same to me) and the look on his face when I say that perfect cutting remark that causes him to storm off.  Sometimes I am crying, sometimes I am mad when he leaves.  I somehow end up passing out and waiting for the horrible day after when my hell starts over.  That is what I hate and that outweighs every drunken singalong or sexcapade.  This is the reality of alcohol and what it does to people - their bodies, their minds and their relationships with everything and anyone around them.  Alcohol is poison and I want it out of my life.  I pray that I am strong enough to set myself free. 

Pot Kettle Black

I am sitting here in the kitchen watching the food I made for C get cold.  It is a Tuesday and he is out having a beer.  Again.  He had some yesterday while helping out a friend and came home exhausted and barely said three words to me.  He was asleep two seconds after hitting the pillow and I laid there for fifteen minutes before I had to go to work and thought about how one-sided my relationship is now. 

I know that I created this, that I would have a leg to stand on to fight his behavior if I had not been the problem first.  But now here I am and he is out there in the middle of the damn work week and even thought I told him that I did not think he should be out drinking tonight he ignored me and I am left alone in the current mess that is my marriage.  I want to say to him, "How can you expect me to choose our relationship over alcohol when you choose alcohol over our relationship all of the time???"  But he is blind to his own actions or at least he thinks they are justified because of my actions.  So despite this complete injustice I have to keep wading through the much until I have won him back.  Because only then will I have a say, a fight, a chance to help him.  I will keep wading.

A Letter to my Husband

There is a rift between us and I want to fix it.  You are distant and cold are have been spending more and more time away from the house.  I hate it.  I want to feel connected, like you care about me and that you want this to work out better between us.  I want you to look at me with love, not resentment.  I want you to respect me and I want to respect you in return.  I think that all of this back and forth about your issues has stemmed from you not respecting me.  I think that you keep all of that from me because you don't care about me enough to want to be a good guy for me.  I want you to want to be kind to me, laugh with me, spend time with me.  I will do what it takes to earn that back.  I will work at this until is becomes second nature, until you respect me enough that I can finally deserve your love.  I want a happy future and I want it to be with you.  I want a husband that will hold my hand and that gives me praise instead of cutting me down.  I don't want it to be a tug of war anymore.  I am too tired and sad to fight.  I cannot stand the indifference.  I want hope.  I pray that time can give us that.  I will do everything in my power to make that happen for us.  I love you and I am sorry that I was not the person you thought I was and I want to be that person again for you.  I will find her, I promise.  I will do work if you will only hang on long enough to see it happen.  Please love me. 

Indifference

My husband and I are broken.  All week I have been quietly devastated, just moving through my day like molasses, putting one foot in front of the other and trying not to engage him or to tip the ever-so-delicately balancing boat.  For three days we basically coexisted.  By Thursday evening C kissed me goodnight as I went to work.  On Friday he came home after I was in bed and cuddled with me.  That brings us to Saturday night, my first attempt at making true amends.  We went out with friends, thankfully to a restaurant and not a full-fledged bar.  I ate dessert instead of drinking and no one asked me why.  We all chatted and laughed and generally had a decent time.  But C was cold.  He did not touch me or laugh with me.  We walked from the car three feet apart and I was too scared to try and hold his hand for fear of rejection.  And because part of me wants validation from him that he still loves me and still wants this to work.  My only inkling of hope was that he let me decide whether we should go out after dinner or go home.  I chose home and he went without protest.  I kissed him on the cheek as we went to bed together.  We have not said I Love You this week and it hurts my already squashed heart...

Fuck me and him and all of this

Here I am again.  Thought it would be longer before typing this but nope, C is pissed at me again and I am back at square one.  I drank this weekend because I thought we were having fun and things were going well, and once again that triggered C and we fought and he is looking at me with disgust again.  I have decided that this has gotten bad enough that I don't even need to do anything stupid while drinking to upset him anymore - the act alone is enough to set him off and after that I can do no right in his eyes.  He has said horrible things to me in the past few weeks and my heart is broken.  He has said multiple times that he wants to divorce me - no, that he can't wait to divorce me.  He has said that he does not like who I am and that he does not want to have kids with me.  Tonight he ripped on our sex life and went on and on about how i think I am perfect and an angel and verbally attacked me with such resentment that nothing I could say or do sofened the look in his eyes.  I was sitting on the floor bawling in front of him and he called me a child and told me to grow up.  I don't know how to deal with this or how to fix this.  We resent each other so much right now that going back to a normal relationship seems impossible right now.  I feel so lost and alone.  I want to feel loved and protected and I don't.  His love is conditional and I know the condition.  Why does giving in to it feel like giving up? 

My Binge-free Life

I don't know where to start with this.  I am sitting here writing this because it is Friday night and I am not at the bar.  My husband is there with who-knows-who drinking I-know-whats and coming home who-knows-when.  I am alone here because I am a binge drinker and I cannot handle being hammered with him.  This sucks so badly and I don't even know how to make it better.  I feel like it is a lose-lose no matter what - keep drinking and eventually have the fight that breaks the camel's back in our already fragile existence or give it up and lose him anyway.  The only difference is who is the bad guy. 


I hate being the bad guy... bad girl in this case I guess but lets not get technical in a blog that no one will read and in which I freely say the word fuck.  I sit here with a pit in my stomach because I don't know when he will be home but I can't call to harp on him because he hates me right now.  Because of last weekend.  Because of any weekend that ended the way this one did.  Because of booze.

I am not a daily drinker but I guess if you get fucking technical I am still considered an alcoholic.  So is C, probably, just a different happier, more-controlled kind so his kind of alcoholism is somehow better in society's eyes.   The difference is that I don't even like alcohol that much.  He actually likes a beer at the end of the day, just to have beer.  Like he would pick beer over something else to drink, even if it had no alcohol in it.  Not this kid - I like drinking instead.

I like the act of drinking, the buzzed feeling that starts in my mouth like a numb tingly goodness and gradually spreads warmth throughout my being until I feel like I am filled with liquid gold.  I like the way it makes everyone seem more interesting and everything more funny and how I feel like I can do anything.  That is the problem.  Because I cannot do fucking anything, drunk me just thinks I can.  I cannot stop myself at three drinks.  Oh sure, many times I can, more often than not by a long shot.  But there is always that next time lurking around the corner when I lose track somewhere between 3 and 13 and end of skipping portions of the night so that they replay in flashes like postcards or portions of a dream that you try and remember.  That time is what fucking wrecks my world.  And no matter what I have tried, no matter how many plans I have in place, there always seems to be a next time.  And that me, the crazydrunk me is a horrible person that screams at people or drives home with one eye open and wakes up with my head splitting and realizing that I have done it again. 

Well this is my admission that I am lost.  I have hid behind my justifications for too long and I can't anymore.  I am married now and you can't just fight and make up or walk away like before.  Words linger longer, cut deeper, leave scars that don't seem to fade no matter how much time passes.  I used C's alcohol addiction and our lifestyle as a justification for me own drinking.  He would tell me to stop and it fell on deaf ears because to me it was the pot calling the kettle black.  Well the fucking pot is right even if he is black too and even if he has no intention of changing his own actions.  He is just the lesser of two evils.  I have a drinking problem.  I have a drinking problem and I am terrified of what that means for my life and my relationship. 

I need this, I need to be the strong one, to take the high road for my marriage.  I can only change myself, right?  That needs to be my damn mantra.  Quit placing blame and own your own fucking actions.  if you do that then no one can get mad at you because you weren't the one acting like a drunken dumbass.  Let someone else be the bad guy.  I am done being that person. 

Will I fuck up?  Maybe but I pray to God that I don't and I hope that getting this out puts it in perspective and gives me some sort of creative-alcoholic-outlet for my inner messedupness.  God please help me, please.  Help me figure this out and walk away from it.  Let me find myself again without the bottle holding me up.  Make me brave so I can address the questions from people with poise and strength.  I want to make you proud and I desperately want to be someone my husband can like again.  Please.