2011 was a fucking hard year for me. I look at where I am at right now and while some things are going better than they were I feel like I am emotionally wrecked. I don't know who I am or what I want and I feel like I need to take a really long nap before I can even think about starting another round of this. Of course, I work this holiday so sleeping will not be in order, but seriously I feel like I have been through the wringer.
And I guess I have been through the wringer. 2011 kicked my ass. My first full year of being a married person. C and I started really having problems during the big drunk fight this summer and it really has not felt right since. I struggle because on days like this I am scared that I have made the wrong decision marrying him, that we somehow got lost along the way and I am not sure how to get us back to good. I feel like we got lost in the shuffle and exited out of separate doors and nobody will let us back inside. I love him so much that my heart has hurt for the last six months.
In some ways I am doing well, I mean I have been sober for nearly two months and have been slowly creating a new normal for myself when it comes to not drinking. My job is going well and I really like that I am moving up on the totem pole. I like being in charge and like leaving feeling like I accomplished something. Work gives me confidence when the rest of the world seems to be taking it away. My family and friends are wonderful as always and I feel like a new person with my relationship with God and my involvement in the church. Singing on Sundays makes me feel wonderful. I love singing in church and it just makes me feel so free and good and like the world is glowing. Singing is bringing me some happiness. I have a lot of good but I just feel so lost and I am really looking forward to a new year.
I feel helpless and gross and fat and tired and lonely even when I am with people. I feel like I am losing my grip on my happiness and I don't know why. Like my life choices are slipping through my fingers and that no matter how hard I try to hold it all in I lose it all. I am really scared about the future. I know that C and I have something special but we need to find it again. I need to find myself again. I think all of this drama with alcohol and fighting made me lose who I am and now I am questioning everything. I hope that the new year can bring me peace and the time to step back and find some clarity.
Good riddance 2011, you did your best and I am broken but I will pull through. Just wait and see.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
57 days sober
Christmas was a hard week for me and also one I am proud of. C and I have been fighting a lot about his drinking and it exploded this past week. He has been going to the bar constantly and while he is not coming home drunk he is there all. the. time. I have been freaking out about it and the more I freak out the more he seems to pull away and go out more. This time of year is always a little that way with all of the holiday spirit and less work on his part, but I guess it hit me really hard this year because I am sober and because I have been looking ahead to the future and this is not the kind of life I want to raise kids in. We fought hard all week and barely made it functional through Christmas and I am still figuring out how I feel about the whole thing. He wants me to back of and I do think now that I pushed him too hard and came across as too controlling but I feel so strongly about it that it has been hard for me to let go. Christmas was hard but good because we hung out with family and I got to see how much I do love him and how much I love the little life we have built and how I need to fight to keep us together. I am going to try letting go and hope that he comes around. He is just so amazing with his nieces and nephews that I pray that he will eventually move towards that and away from the bar scene. I am proud of making it through the holiday without drinking and especially with the fighting about drinking it meant a lot for me to stay strong. I also told C's side of the family that I quit and they are big drinkers so it felt good to get it out in the open. My goals this week are to stay focused on me and stay busy and see if C and I can come to some peace.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
48 Days Sober
I am still here, proud that I am plugging along...
New Year's Eve will be 2 months sober and I feel that this is a fitting way to start off the new year. I am setting myself up to make 2012 the year of my "rebirth." I have been trying to get my body, mind, and soul on the same page so that I can start next year off right and make it something I can look on with pride and see it as a time of growth.
My biggest priority right now is staying sober. I have not been to any more meetings but so far I am ok with that. I have not had a drop of alcohol since quitting and I can only thank God for keeping me focused on a better life with Him. I have come out to many of my friends and I think that has been a huge help for me. People have been fairly accepting and except for the awkward, "you are not drinking?" at the beginning of a night out, everyone seems to let it go quickly and most of my evenings have gone pretty smoothly. Of course I miss the feeling of being buzzed but so far keeping myself accountable to people and staying committed to my goals of bettering myself have kept me on the course. I have faith that I have laid a foundation for future sobriety and that it should get easier the farther out I am from this.
My next goal for the new year is taking care of my body. I feel that this goes hand in hand with my newfound lease on cleaner living and I want my body to reflect that. Every year since college I have been talking about losing a couple of pounds and toning up and I want this to be the year that I actually follow through. I feel like this next year is about me before we talk about starting a family and I am just excited to be the best that I can be. I want to work on eating cleaner and stepping up my exercise. I want to cut out more of the artificial crap and really focus on feeling good. Before I would do well during the week and go out and binge on alcohol and food all weekend and now that I have cut out the alcohol part the food part remains. I think that I can work on both now that I have a better handle on the drinking part. Hopefully I have enough willpower to go around!
Next I have been really focused on God and how He is working in me and my life. I have been singing at church and I am getting so much out of it. There is just nothing better than belting out a song and feeling the Holy Spirit working. I know it is partially selfish since I get so much enjoyment out of it but I hope that maybe my enthusiasm will spill over into those listening and help them feel as good hearing it as I do singing it. Also, getting up early on Sunday morning is one more reason to stay sober on Saturday night, and lets face it, the more the merrier when it comes to reasons to keep away from the beer!!!
Anyway, I pray that the end of the year goes smoothly for us and I look forward to starting fresh on January 1st. It will be nice to start the new year off on a positive note instead of a hangover! :)
New Year's Eve will be 2 months sober and I feel that this is a fitting way to start off the new year. I am setting myself up to make 2012 the year of my "rebirth." I have been trying to get my body, mind, and soul on the same page so that I can start next year off right and make it something I can look on with pride and see it as a time of growth.
My biggest priority right now is staying sober. I have not been to any more meetings but so far I am ok with that. I have not had a drop of alcohol since quitting and I can only thank God for keeping me focused on a better life with Him. I have come out to many of my friends and I think that has been a huge help for me. People have been fairly accepting and except for the awkward, "you are not drinking?" at the beginning of a night out, everyone seems to let it go quickly and most of my evenings have gone pretty smoothly. Of course I miss the feeling of being buzzed but so far keeping myself accountable to people and staying committed to my goals of bettering myself have kept me on the course. I have faith that I have laid a foundation for future sobriety and that it should get easier the farther out I am from this.
My next goal for the new year is taking care of my body. I feel that this goes hand in hand with my newfound lease on cleaner living and I want my body to reflect that. Every year since college I have been talking about losing a couple of pounds and toning up and I want this to be the year that I actually follow through. I feel like this next year is about me before we talk about starting a family and I am just excited to be the best that I can be. I want to work on eating cleaner and stepping up my exercise. I want to cut out more of the artificial crap and really focus on feeling good. Before I would do well during the week and go out and binge on alcohol and food all weekend and now that I have cut out the alcohol part the food part remains. I think that I can work on both now that I have a better handle on the drinking part. Hopefully I have enough willpower to go around!
Next I have been really focused on God and how He is working in me and my life. I have been singing at church and I am getting so much out of it. There is just nothing better than belting out a song and feeling the Holy Spirit working. I know it is partially selfish since I get so much enjoyment out of it but I hope that maybe my enthusiasm will spill over into those listening and help them feel as good hearing it as I do singing it. Also, getting up early on Sunday morning is one more reason to stay sober on Saturday night, and lets face it, the more the merrier when it comes to reasons to keep away from the beer!!!
Anyway, I pray that the end of the year goes smoothly for us and I look forward to starting fresh on January 1st. It will be nice to start the new year off on a positive note instead of a hangover! :)
Friday, December 2, 2011
Sigh...
I am feeling a little sad this week. C has been out drinking a lot this week and was drunk on Wednesday when he came home. It happens in the winter every year but it is disheartening since we have been doing so well.
It makes me sad for two reasons. For one, he is funny when he is drunk and that makes it hard for me. He came home chatty and played with the dogs. We wrestled with them on the floor and got into it ourselves and spent a good half an hour laughing our asses off together. That makes me feel hollow inside because I know that it is not real, it is enhanced by alcohol and it makes me wonder if he would be like this with me at that moment if he were sober. I also hate it because then I have fun with him and feel like there are no negative consequences for his drinking and that it will continue longer because of this and that will be bad for him. The other reason it makes me sad this week is because I see it wear on his face. I know what it looks like bause I have seen it so many times on myself in them mirror. I know what it feels like and I cannot believe that he does not notice that it makes him feel like crap. Maybe he is oblivious or maybe he likes feeling drunk that much more, I don't know. For me it was so major that I could not ignore the cause and effect. His eyes look bloated and puffy, shiny in pictures. He looks flushed and unwell. He comes home the next day and takes a nap at 0230 in the afternoon and does not see that he is basically down for the count.
I don't want this to kill him and I know it is. He has high cholesterol and he gets so swollen that I fear for his heart. He is so high risk and anything I say goes in one ear and out the other. Please hear me, C. Please take care of yourself. I cannot bear a life without you and I want you here and healthy for as long as we are given. Please wake up and see that you deserve a different life. That we deserve more. That there is a person inside of you that one knew how to enjoy himself sober. I want health and happiness for you so badly. Please listen. I love you.
It makes me sad for two reasons. For one, he is funny when he is drunk and that makes it hard for me. He came home chatty and played with the dogs. We wrestled with them on the floor and got into it ourselves and spent a good half an hour laughing our asses off together. That makes me feel hollow inside because I know that it is not real, it is enhanced by alcohol and it makes me wonder if he would be like this with me at that moment if he were sober. I also hate it because then I have fun with him and feel like there are no negative consequences for his drinking and that it will continue longer because of this and that will be bad for him. The other reason it makes me sad this week is because I see it wear on his face. I know what it looks like bause I have seen it so many times on myself in them mirror. I know what it feels like and I cannot believe that he does not notice that it makes him feel like crap. Maybe he is oblivious or maybe he likes feeling drunk that much more, I don't know. For me it was so major that I could not ignore the cause and effect. His eyes look bloated and puffy, shiny in pictures. He looks flushed and unwell. He comes home the next day and takes a nap at 0230 in the afternoon and does not see that he is basically down for the count.
I don't want this to kill him and I know it is. He has high cholesterol and he gets so swollen that I fear for his heart. He is so high risk and anything I say goes in one ear and out the other. Please hear me, C. Please take care of yourself. I cannot bear a life without you and I want you here and healthy for as long as we are given. Please wake up and see that you deserve a different life. That we deserve more. That there is a person inside of you that one knew how to enjoy himself sober. I want health and happiness for you so badly. Please listen. I love you.
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