Being sober is hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Who would have thought that giving up something that you only do a couple of weekends a month would be so freaking hard? I mean, damn, if it is this hard for me how the heck do daily drinkers ever survive this?
I think the hardest part is that I am not a "big" drinker. My friends don't see the damage it causes, and neither do our families. So they will all be flabbergasted to know that I am no longer drinking. I am actually scared to tell people because I know they will argue with me and weaken my resolve. What keeps me going is having to be accountable to my parents, to my counselor, and to C. I already have had to turn down drinks with my friends once, my coworkers once, and to a waitress once. Even my parents who know about and support my decision drank a bottle of wine in front of me this week! It is freaking hard.
The good thing is that I obviously do not drink on nights before I work so I am going to use that excuse for a while until i get farther out and better at saying no. I figure I just have to make it like six months or so before people start assuming that I am not drinking and the pressure will hopefully lighten.
Now I have just begun to focus on me and my healing. I have been reading Al-Anon books to try and detach from C's drinking so that I have a shot in hell at treating my own issues. I have been reaching out to friends and trying to organize more wholesome activities. I am getting more involved in church. I am going to start AA next week once I am off work. It is all terrifying but if it keeps me where I am at and moving forward then it is all worth it. I hope I can get back to a place where sobriety feels normal again. I used to be a nondrinker! I used to be able to go to a party or a dance club sober and not feel awkward. I want to get that comfort back.
As for C and I, we had a good week. My birthday came and went and C got me a thoughtful card and gift and that meant a lot since we have been through so much in the past few months that he easily could have copped out. He too has been "cutting back" on his drinking and while I know that means he will have a "next time" I just hope that it is farther away and that we can deal with it more effectively. We still are at odds about having children though, and C gets really closed off and defensive when I bring it up. I know that we are not anywhere near ready for children at this point but I am now thinking about the future and I wish the lines of communication were more open. I pray that with time we can heal our wounds and maybe have a shot at being a family someday.
So what is next on the agenda? One day at a time as they say. I hope to make it through a football party this week and my weekend off this coming weekend without drama. I hope to make it to AA orientation this week without feeling completely embarrassed. I hope C and I can laugh this week.
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