It is official, I am a fattypants. Seems that the second I try to start something on here I go completely off track, which I did again this weekend (food-wise, not alcohol, thank God!). I am chubby.
I told C that I am on a diet starting now until 10 pounds from now. He said, "I have heard you say that before." He is onto me. Now I want to prove to him that I can stick with this, so I am going to try. Every decision I make can either put me closer to my goal or father from it, and from now on I am going to try to make most of my decisions in the thinner direction.
I did well at home Monday and of course today is Valentine's Day so I am sure this will be much harder. My goal is moderation, get through the holiday and keep plugging along. My cellulite informs me that it does not really need any more chocolate.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Healthy Day FAIL
Ok so I bombed day one. I do not know why I do this to myself. I get worked up and it reminds me of the alcohol thing were I get this anxiety about the "forbidden" object (in this case, fatty food) and it makes me crave it.
I thought a lot about this today and I think I am going to use the same mental trick that got me on the right track with alcohol - I have to stop thinking about this as forever. I can have ice cream, etc. I can have pizza. I just need to cut back on it or give it up temporarily to reach my goals and the more I change the more I will want to keep changing.
So tomorrow morning I am weighing in and facing the music. I can do this, I want to be an "after" shot! I will report back tomorrow on how I am doing. One day, one hour at a time.
I thought a lot about this today and I think I am going to use the same mental trick that got me on the right track with alcohol - I have to stop thinking about this as forever. I can have ice cream, etc. I can have pizza. I just need to cut back on it or give it up temporarily to reach my goals and the more I change the more I will want to keep changing.
So tomorrow morning I am weighing in and facing the music. I can do this, I want to be an "after" shot! I will report back tomorrow on how I am doing. One day, one hour at a time.
Day One - Operation HotBody
Ok so my true weigh in is not until Thursday but this is a good stay to start this - I weighed in at 135.6 - eeek!!!!
How I feel: puffy but fairly alert
Vitamins: yes
Exercise: Well I hurt my neck in my sleep last night and am typing here waiting for my advil to kick in. I was planning on doing BodyPump today but that is pretty much out of the question since just sitting hurts. I hope to get the house clean and maybe walk on the treadmill. I am going to ice up and see the chiro tomorrow so hopefully I can get back quickly.
Food: This is going to be the hardest few days - I have been living off junk food and a high amount of calories. I am going to try to clean up my act and I know the next few days are going to feel like withdrawal.
I am going this not only for me but I am kind of in a competition with a friend of mine. She loses weight in an unhealthy way by starving herself and it makes me want to barf when she gets skinny and rubs it in because she looks better than me by being unhealthy! My goal for the next few months is to show her that I can look good in a healthy way and get skinny while still having a metabolism left at the end!!!
How I feel: puffy but fairly alert
Vitamins: yes
Exercise: Well I hurt my neck in my sleep last night and am typing here waiting for my advil to kick in. I was planning on doing BodyPump today but that is pretty much out of the question since just sitting hurts. I hope to get the house clean and maybe walk on the treadmill. I am going to ice up and see the chiro tomorrow so hopefully I can get back quickly.
Food: This is going to be the hardest few days - I have been living off junk food and a high amount of calories. I am going to try to clean up my act and I know the next few days are going to feel like withdrawal.
I am going this not only for me but I am kind of in a competition with a friend of mine. She loses weight in an unhealthy way by starving herself and it makes me want to barf when she gets skinny and rubs it in because she looks better than me by being unhealthy! My goal for the next few months is to show her that I can look good in a healthy way and get skinny while still having a metabolism left at the end!!!
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Healthy Body Challenge for myself (and a shout out to my marriage)
OK. I have been updating here since when, July? I started off a complete emotional wreck and have been scrapping my way back to sanity one day at a time since. I have been stone sober for over three months, my relationship with my husband has improved by leaps and bounds, my faith is in a much stronger place, and I am finding new outlets for support and joy (ex: singing in church, bible study, my new weights class).
I am ready to make this year the year of me. I am on a roll now and looking to the future means thinking about trying to fix our horrendous fincancial issues and tackling the issue of when to start a family so now is the time to focus on my self-improvement project.
I have been focused o sobriety and I don't want to say it is a nonissue but now that I have come out to most everybody it is less of an issue than it was. Most of my friends and family are aware now and saying no has become more second nature. So it is time to shift focus (only slightly! i will never lose focus on sobriety because I know it is going to be a lifelong battle).
My goals for this next month are to work on me. I have signed up for a warrior dash in July and that is something that is completely out of my comfort zone. I want to start working on training and at the same time work on my body. I have started weights classes and I want to go up in weight this week to challenge my muscles so I can start seeing the fruits of my labor. I have been feeling really tired and mentally sluggish lately and while it may just be the time of year I really want to shake it up. I want to start taking my vitamins regularly again and focus on what I am putting in my mouth food-wise - lately I have really fallen off the wagon and I feel like the more junk food I eat the more I want it. Yet when I do eat junky food I feel crappy and get headaches and bloated, so why do it? My goal for this week is to clean up the diet and get off the junk food train. Hopefully that will help my energy level for training.
I would like to put it out there that C and I are doing really well right now and that I thank God for this time with him. I feel like we could not have handled his financial problems with the way we were over Christmas and he has been a whole new man lately. He comes home on his own more, calls me more often, is more fun when he is at home - he just seems like he has let some of his resentment go when I stepped back and it has really changed how we are interacting. He has helped out more around the house, cooked dinners more, been more open and honest with me, etc. It just shows me more of the guy that I always knew he was - a good, honest man with good values and I am finally starting to see how much I appreciate him. He has been wonderful. And when I look back at all we have been through in the last six months, this is just a breath of fresh air. I love him with all my heart and I pray that we can move forward in this new year and make this our best.
I am ready to make this year the year of me. I am on a roll now and looking to the future means thinking about trying to fix our horrendous fincancial issues and tackling the issue of when to start a family so now is the time to focus on my self-improvement project.
I have been focused o sobriety and I don't want to say it is a nonissue but now that I have come out to most everybody it is less of an issue than it was. Most of my friends and family are aware now and saying no has become more second nature. So it is time to shift focus (only slightly! i will never lose focus on sobriety because I know it is going to be a lifelong battle).
My goals for this next month are to work on me. I have signed up for a warrior dash in July and that is something that is completely out of my comfort zone. I want to start working on training and at the same time work on my body. I have started weights classes and I want to go up in weight this week to challenge my muscles so I can start seeing the fruits of my labor. I have been feeling really tired and mentally sluggish lately and while it may just be the time of year I really want to shake it up. I want to start taking my vitamins regularly again and focus on what I am putting in my mouth food-wise - lately I have really fallen off the wagon and I feel like the more junk food I eat the more I want it. Yet when I do eat junky food I feel crappy and get headaches and bloated, so why do it? My goal for this week is to clean up the diet and get off the junk food train. Hopefully that will help my energy level for training.
I would like to put it out there that C and I are doing really well right now and that I thank God for this time with him. I feel like we could not have handled his financial problems with the way we were over Christmas and he has been a whole new man lately. He comes home on his own more, calls me more often, is more fun when he is at home - he just seems like he has let some of his resentment go when I stepped back and it has really changed how we are interacting. He has helped out more around the house, cooked dinners more, been more open and honest with me, etc. It just shows me more of the guy that I always knew he was - a good, honest man with good values and I am finally starting to see how much I appreciate him. He has been wonderful. And when I look back at all we have been through in the last six months, this is just a breath of fresh air. I love him with all my heart and I pray that we can move forward in this new year and make this our best.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
3 Months Sober - I Will Praise You in this Storm
Man, it has been a while since I posted, shame on me. It has been quite a month.
For one, C and I are doing world's better and I really feel like we both have been trying to make our marriage work. He and I were so lost around Christmas and had just gotten into this horrible pattern of disrespect and insecurity and I seriously thought it was going to swallow me whole. It took Christmas for me to realize that what we have is worth more, worth fighting for - and it took him realizing the same. I have really looked at my behavior and I see now how much I was cutting C down and in turn he did not have the respect for me to want to drink less and be home more. In turn I just got more angry and resentful and bitchy. I mean, why would he want to come home and hang out with me if that was what he was coming home to? I was so scared to let go and loosen up because I was afraid that he would go out more. But I did let go because what did I have to lose? I love him with all my heart and I wanted him to want to be home with me because he actually wants to, not because I made him. I knew that he was this amazing man on the inside and I wanted to see that on the outside. But how could I see that when I was making him feel like crap? So I have tried to show him my love and support him. I have let him make his own decisions and guess what? He is making better ones. He is more loving and more helpful. He is home more and more fun to be around. He is more like the guy I fell in love with and it makes me want to tell him that all the time. It has been a big change for us and I am so thankful for the respite and hope that it continues.
As for the hard times, C's financial troubles are really affecting us now and it is going to test our bond as a couple. It is going to be a long uphill battle and I am going to pray my buns off for some guidance because we are going to need it. I praise God for all that He has given us, and if these struggles had come to a head a month or two ago I am confident that either C would not have told me anything or it would have absolutley crumbled our fragile existence. I think that these things happen for a reason and I think that while the problem is a big one and going to be very difficult for us, I feel that it is coming at us while we are at our strongest and I hope that we can overcome it together.
I am staying strong with my sobriety journey and am trying to move forward with my relationship with God. Three months feels a lot longer but I have not slipped once and I have no intention to. I pray for continued strength and thank God for the blessings He has given us.
For one, C and I are doing world's better and I really feel like we both have been trying to make our marriage work. He and I were so lost around Christmas and had just gotten into this horrible pattern of disrespect and insecurity and I seriously thought it was going to swallow me whole. It took Christmas for me to realize that what we have is worth more, worth fighting for - and it took him realizing the same. I have really looked at my behavior and I see now how much I was cutting C down and in turn he did not have the respect for me to want to drink less and be home more. In turn I just got more angry and resentful and bitchy. I mean, why would he want to come home and hang out with me if that was what he was coming home to? I was so scared to let go and loosen up because I was afraid that he would go out more. But I did let go because what did I have to lose? I love him with all my heart and I wanted him to want to be home with me because he actually wants to, not because I made him. I knew that he was this amazing man on the inside and I wanted to see that on the outside. But how could I see that when I was making him feel like crap? So I have tried to show him my love and support him. I have let him make his own decisions and guess what? He is making better ones. He is more loving and more helpful. He is home more and more fun to be around. He is more like the guy I fell in love with and it makes me want to tell him that all the time. It has been a big change for us and I am so thankful for the respite and hope that it continues.
As for the hard times, C's financial troubles are really affecting us now and it is going to test our bond as a couple. It is going to be a long uphill battle and I am going to pray my buns off for some guidance because we are going to need it. I praise God for all that He has given us, and if these struggles had come to a head a month or two ago I am confident that either C would not have told me anything or it would have absolutley crumbled our fragile existence. I think that these things happen for a reason and I think that while the problem is a big one and going to be very difficult for us, I feel that it is coming at us while we are at our strongest and I hope that we can overcome it together.
I am staying strong with my sobriety journey and am trying to move forward with my relationship with God. Three months feels a lot longer but I have not slipped once and I have no intention to. I pray for continued strength and thank God for the blessings He has given us.
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