Day 17 of Sobriety

Tonight I am going to my first AA meeting.  I am fucking terrified.  This may be the bravest thing I have ever done.  No one knows I am going, not even C.  I need to do this for me.  To be honest, I am scared to come out and tell people because I am scared that I will fail and I don't want to let people I love down again.  So maybe seeing strangers will be easier.  My counselor says I should go to "broaden my support system."  I think that this is probably a good idea.  I mean, it is easier to fuck up if you don't have to be accountable to anyone, right?  And I am hoping that seeing others in my position will help me understand that I am not alone in this.

Things I am scared of:

I am scared of not being a big enough drunk.  Does that sound stupid?  I mean, I am not a daily drinker, I hold down a good job, I appear on the outside to have it together.  I am scared that the room will be filled with people that have major problems and that it will make me feel too good about myself, weaken my resolve.  I am scared of not having fallen far enough off course to turn the boat around.  It is like when I go on a diet - I am not really fat, i just want to lose a few pounds.  All it takes is a few people saying, "you don't need to lose weight, you look great!" or "If you need to lose weight, what about me?" and I am back to eating fucking cookies.  I am scared to eat these cookies. 

I am scared of being looked at like a huge drunk.  Most of this stems from the possibility of seeing someone at the meeting that I might know or run into in the future.  I mean, is says Anonymous in the title and all but I am pretty sure if someone recognizes me at work from one of these that it will reflect badly on me - who wants to think that their nurse is a drunk?  It makes me want to wear a sticker on my forehead that says "Binge Drinker" or "Weekend Warrior" or something equally lame to try and show people that I am safe to drive home, you know?

I am scared of failing at this and falling back into old patterns.  I am so scared to go back to that place.  I keep reminding myself of all of the stupid shit I have done drunk and that keeps me on track.  Just the image of looking up at my mother through the bathwater the night I blacked out is enough to bring tears to my eyes.  Or the look on C's face when I have said the perfect awful thing to break his heart and make him storm off.  Those moments are why I am going tonight.  For every horrible thing I have said, for every drive home I cannot remember, for every scrape I could not explain, for every morning-after headache, for every on-my-knees-tears-down-my-face-retching moment - that is why I am going.  I am better than this.  I deserve better than this. 

Wish me luck.