Ok so my post a couple of days ago was a false alarm. I tried to go to my first AA meeting but apparently God did not want me going that night because I got completely lost and finally gave up and went home. I thought I was going to get screwed again today when I tried to go because all of a sudden it was snowing hard but I made it in one piece. I was terrified and had to psych myself up even to get out of the car but I did it and it was a good experience.
One embarrassing moment? The meeting was held at a facility that also has a cafeteria for feeding the homeless. Well I pull up and go to the front door of the place and it is locked and a bunch of people are standing outside. They are all pretty scruffy looking and one of them asked me if I was a volunteer. I answered, "Nope, I am the real deal" thinking that she did not think I looked like an addict. I talked with a couple of people for a few minutes and gradually I learned that I was supposed to go in the back door for the AA meeting - I had been standing in line with the homeless waiting for the food to be served! Here I was with my Abercrombie sweatshirt and Coach purse all put-together in line with people that just wanted to get some food - I must have looked like a complete asshole. Thankfully they were nice and directed me to where I needed to go. I am wondering if that was God trying to tell me something and I may look into volunteering there or something.
The meeting itself was pretty simple. We read a chapter about one of the twelve steps out loud and then went around the circle and talked about what it meant to us. The chapter we read was about Step Two and talked about believing that a Higher Power can help us overcome the need for alcohol. The part that resonated with me the most was when it talked about the difference between someone drinking and someone being an alcoholic was "soundness of mind." This is exactly why I know that I have a problem. For me, alcohol is not just a beverage and a night of drinking is not just a little release from a hard week - once I get alcohol in my system I am no longer sane. All rational thought dissolves, any semblance of control is lost, and eventually I am not even present in the moment. And I do not have to be a daily drinker to realize that alcohol and I do not have a normal relationship. Am I lucky that I learned this early? I think so. The alcoholic in me is sad that I could have had some more fun before coming to this conclusion, but seeing the others in the group today really showed me how far I could have fallen. Most of them had been court ordered to be there. Some of them were addicted to drugs as well as alcohol. A few had lost their jobs, families, homes. I am lucky. What did I lose? A few good Saturday nights and some fun buzzed conversations. I have to remember the trade off.
Today was a big step for me, one I hope takes me in the right direction. With God and support I might be able to do this. One day at a time.
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