Sigh...

I am feeling a little sad this week.  C has been out drinking a lot this week and was drunk on Wednesday when he came home.  It happens in the winter every year but it is disheartening since we have been doing so well. 

It makes me sad for two reasons.  For one, he is funny when he is drunk and that makes it hard for me.  He came home chatty and played with the dogs.  We wrestled with them on the floor and got into it ourselves and spent a good half an hour laughing our asses off together.  That makes me feel hollow inside because I know that it is not real, it is enhanced by alcohol and it makes me wonder if he would be like this with me at that moment if he were sober.  I also hate it because then I have fun with him and feel like there are no negative consequences for his drinking and that it will continue longer because of this and that will be bad for him.  The other reason it makes me sad this week is because I see it wear on his face.  I know what it looks like bause I have seen it so many times on myself in them mirror.  I know what it feels like and I cannot believe that he does not notice that it makes him feel like crap.  Maybe he is oblivious or maybe he likes feeling drunk that much more, I don't know.  For me it was so major that I could not ignore the cause and effect.  His eyes look bloated and puffy, shiny in pictures.  He looks flushed and unwell.  He comes home the next day and takes a nap at 0230 in the afternoon and does not see that he is basically down for the count. 

I don't want this to kill him and I know it is.  He has high cholesterol and he gets so swollen that I fear for his heart.  He is so high risk and anything I say goes in one ear and out the other.  Please hear me, C.  Please take care of yourself.  I cannot bear a life without you and I want you here and healthy for as long as we are given.  Please wake up and see that you deserve a different life.  That we deserve more.  That there is a person inside of you that one knew how to enjoy himself sober.  I want health and happiness for you so badly.  Please listen.  I love you.