2011 was a fucking hard year for me. I look at where I am at right now and while some things are going better than they were I feel like I am emotionally wrecked. I don't know who I am or what I want and I feel like I need to take a really long nap before I can even think about starting another round of this. Of course, I work this holiday so sleeping will not be in order, but seriously I feel like I have been through the wringer.
And I guess I have been through the wringer. 2011 kicked my ass. My first full year of being a married person. C and I started really having problems during the big drunk fight this summer and it really has not felt right since. I struggle because on days like this I am scared that I have made the wrong decision marrying him, that we somehow got lost along the way and I am not sure how to get us back to good. I feel like we got lost in the shuffle and exited out of separate doors and nobody will let us back inside. I love him so much that my heart has hurt for the last six months.
In some ways I am doing well, I mean I have been sober for nearly two months and have been slowly creating a new normal for myself when it comes to not drinking. My job is going well and I really like that I am moving up on the totem pole. I like being in charge and like leaving feeling like I accomplished something. Work gives me confidence when the rest of the world seems to be taking it away. My family and friends are wonderful as always and I feel like a new person with my relationship with God and my involvement in the church. Singing on Sundays makes me feel wonderful. I love singing in church and it just makes me feel so free and good and like the world is glowing. Singing is bringing me some happiness. I have a lot of good but I just feel so lost and I am really looking forward to a new year.
I feel helpless and gross and fat and tired and lonely even when I am with people. I feel like I am losing my grip on my happiness and I don't know why. Like my life choices are slipping through my fingers and that no matter how hard I try to hold it all in I lose it all. I am really scared about the future. I know that C and I have something special but we need to find it again. I need to find myself again. I think all of this drama with alcohol and fighting made me lose who I am and now I am questioning everything. I hope that the new year can bring me peace and the time to step back and find some clarity.
Good riddance 2011, you did your best and I am broken but I will pull through. Just wait and see.
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