57 days sober

Christmas was a hard week for me and also one I am proud of.  C and I have been fighting a lot about his drinking and it exploded this past week.  He has been going to the bar constantly and while he is not coming home drunk he is there all. the. time.  I have been freaking out about it and the more I freak out the more he seems to pull away and go out more.  This time of year is always a little that way with all of the holiday spirit and less work on his part, but I guess it hit me really hard this year because I am sober and because I have been looking ahead to the future and this is not the kind of life I want to raise kids in.  We fought hard all week and barely made it functional through Christmas and I am still figuring out how I feel about the whole thing.  He wants me to back of and I do think now that I pushed him too hard and came across as too controlling but I feel so strongly about it that it has been hard for me to let go.  Christmas was hard but good because we hung out with family and I got to see how much I do love him and how much I love the little life we have built and how I need to fight to keep us together.  I am going to try letting go and hope that he comes around.  He is just so amazing with his nieces and nephews that I pray that he will eventually move towards that and away from the bar scene.  I am proud of making it through the holiday without drinking and especially with the fighting about drinking it meant a lot for me to stay strong.  I also told C's side of the family that I quit and they are big drinkers so it felt good to get it out in the open.  My goals this week are to stay focused on me and stay busy and see if C and I can come to some peace.