Two Months Out

Baby Steps.

I am still here.  I have been bad about writing but I am back again.  The last two months has been some of the hardest of C's and my relationship but I can say that we are still here and still moving forward slowly.  We are not completely back in our groove but our anniversary was this past weekend and I can say that I have seen glimpses of us at a happier place and I pray that we can keep walking this path.  This weekend was a good one for us.  We went out of town together and while we still seem to run out of things to do or feel somewhat disconnected, we had some moments where I felt like we had some hope. 

I have only been drinking a drink or two here and there, nothing like before but it still scares me and I am trying to minimize even that.  I have been down this road far too many times now to feel safe in this place.  We crash and burn, pick up the pieces and after a while we get back into this rhythm and I start to relax my guard.  Once the storm has passed it is easier to let the details fade into the far reaches of the mind and the excuses begin - oh it is just a couple of drinks, or I can handle it this time because of a, b, or c and the cycle begins again.  Well not this time.  This time I am here, writing this in hopes that it keeps me focused on the past and keeps me from repeating that awful pattern.  This time I am giving my self to God's will and praying that I can keep my marriage a priority and that no matter what my husband's failings that I can change me.  I can change my own behavior and I can change how I react to his.  I can work on myself and trust that God has a plan for me in all of this.  I cannot change Him but I can change me.  I cannot make him act a certain way but I can change how I act.  I cannot make him love but I can love him.  I just pray with all of my heart that he will see the change in me and be proud of me for it.  I want him to look at me with love and admiration and see me for the person I am underneath my faults.  I want to have a relationship build on friendship and respect for one another because we lost those along the way.  I want a future together in which we work through things as a team. 

We are going to a wedding this weekend, at the same church we were married in.  I want to look at C and remember the happiness of that day.  I want us to be the couple we were meant to be, the one's that have always come back to each other and depended on each other.  I want him to be my best friend.  I want to feel God in my heart and use that love towards living my life.  Two months out.  I have some hope to cling to, some prayers to pray, and anticipation towards what the next month will bring.