Well thing have been changing here. C and I hit the wall last weekend and it has been an epiphany for me.
Last weekend C and I had a wedding to go to and C was an usher. The guys began drinking early and were drunk even before the ceremony. I had no idea that C was already drunk when I arrived and took my seat in the church. The ceremony was beautiful and once it was done we all climbed on the bus and began the festivities. I began drinking at that time. I was drunk at the reception but not horribly so. I was dancing and having a wonderful time. Unknown to me, C was hammered. He actually threw up multiple times at the reception and I was completely unaware. Then towards the end of the night C called me out in front of a bunch of our friends and yelled at me for being drunk. I was mad because he too had been drinking and I felt that I had been fairly controlled despite my drinking. He continued to be mad at me and continued to go out and drink more even after I took a cab home to go to bed. I tried to avoid a fight but he continued to me mad at me for a few days until I hit the breaking point.
I do not want to be like this anymore and I have done a lot of self-examining this week. C was completely out of line this past weekend and for once it showed him that he has drinking issues too. C is an alcoholic but is in complete denial of the severity of the situation. I begged him to go to counseling with me or to quit drinking with me. He could not even agree to go without alcohol for three months so we could try and work on our marriage without alcohol being in the picture. I knew as soon as he told me that he was not going to quit even for that short time that I was on my own in this.
I think I am a huge enabler and that I have been codependent in my relationships for a long time. I read on an al-anon website that sometimes the enabling spouse ends up with alcohol issues too because they drink to have something in common with the alcoholic. It was an epiphany for me. I am not a big drinker. I never drink at home, I never drink by myself, most of my friends so not drink at all or drink very little, and I would have no problem doing things other than drinking on the weekends. I like to drink on the occasional girls night or wedding, and despite the fact that I have gone completely overboard when hammered I think that left to my own devices I would not get like that nearly as often. I have put myself in binge drinking situations and drank to excess. I have gone to the bar and ended up hammered because it seemed silly to not be drinking when everyone around me seemed worse off. I have continually made choices based on C's wants and not taken care of my own needs and wants. I have turned myself into a binge drinker by binge drinking with an alcoholic.
This was an awakening to me. I need to look at my life as my own. If I want to drink less, then I need to go out less - for ME, not him. I need to do what I want to do on the weekends and if he wants to drink then I cannot stop him. I need to work out what I want from life and I need to go get it. I cannot control an alcoholic. I cannot control myself when I drink to excess with him. I need to let go of him and let him make his own decisions in regards to drinking and focus on my own. I was too busy trying to fix both of us that I was failing at fixing myself. If he wants to go out five nights a week then I cannot make him want to stay home. I cannot make him enjoy other things in life than drinking. These are things that he is going to have to do himself.
I ordered a book on codependency and a book about al-anon and am reading them to keep me sane. I want to release myself from the chains of alcohol and from the confines of a codependent relationship. I want to look to God for guidance and to keep my focus on him. I want to learn to detach with love and to allow C to make his own mistakes and to be accountable for my own shortcomings. I want to let go.
This is the first time that I can see a solution in all of this. It is going to take time and it may not end with happily ever after but for once I can see myself for what I have let myself become. I want more.
No comments:
Post a Comment