The problem with alcoholism is that no matter how awful the last awful night you had drinking was, the memory of it somehow seems to fade over time and that just leads to more awful times. It is like my brain starts justifying my actions making them seem not so bad or it starts getting cocky when things are going well and I start to think that somehow the next time will be better or that I will somehow magically learn to control myself. That is not the case and I need to remember that. I need to stay focused on myself and focused on the person that I want to be - and that does not include binge drinking.
The worst night ever was on Valentine's Day of all days, in 2010. It was a night that should have been a turning point, a wake up call of sorts that set me on the path that I am struggling to walk today. But it didn't. Sure, I gave up alcohol for a while but soon I was back testing the waters, "watching" myself and thinking I had it under control. Which I thought I did until the next time that I got wasted. Because there always seems to be a next time.
It was Valentine's Day and C and I had gone to dinner together and had a really good time. We were sitting close and I had a glass of wine, being "careful" of course and telling myself that the one glass would be it for the night. Well we had fun and chatted and when it was time to leave we were in good spirits and decided to go down to the local bar. Now I am feeling happy-go-lucky since the night is going well so I let my guard down and have some beers at the bar. That can't hurt, right?
C gets a call from a couple of his single friends who tell him that they are having people out to their house and then going to the strip club. Now I like this group of guys a lot, they are fun loving but definitely not the boyfriend types and think nothing of going to the strip club on Valentine's Day. C asks me what I want to do and because I am tipsy I say sure, why not? I actually feel cool about it, like I am the awesome girlfriend who is so laid back that she thinks that this will be an adventure - like C will think I am funloving for doing this. Pathetic I know. I am actually pumped about it.
This is when things start to get bad. We get to the guys house and C has brought beer for himself. I take one and he gives me the look, the "don't you think you have had enough?" look that I know all too well. But I am on a high because of our fun evening and since he and everyone else are drinking I blow him off. I actually think I deserve to get drunk since I am so "cool" and going to the strip club for him. I finish my beer quickly.
Now I know C will flip out if I take another beer so this is where it gets embarassing - when I go upstairs to pee at the guys' house I peek in their fridge and they have beers on the shelf. I take one and sneak it into the bathroom with me and quickly down it. Looking back this makes me the most embarrassed because I recognize how this showcases my disordered drinking but at the time I could not stop myself.
I am already drunk when we reach the strip club. One of the guys orders a round and I get included which C is not happy about. We are watching the nasty girls and I try to pace myself. The next round I go up to buy myself and this is where the night gets foggy. I remember going up by myself to buy a round for everyone. I remember bringing the drinks back. I vaguely remember getting a lap dance and getting slightly annoyed when C gets one. After that the night goes blank.
I "come to" in pieces outside my garage trying to get the door code right and remember dropping the contents of my purse all over the stoop while trying to find my missing keys. I can't find them and somehow manage to make a frantic call to my mother who shows up at the house freaking out because I was basically incoherent on the phone. I am frantic because I can't get in the house (there was a key in the fridge next to me that I know about but was too out of it to remember at the time) and that I could not find C who was not answering the phone. Next I remember being submerged in the bath tub, coming out of the water and seeing my mother sitting there on the edge. I throw up in the garbage can that she holds for me. Turns out C is in the other room sleeping, irate at me for my behavior. I don't remember anything.
Apparently C and I got in a fight at the strip club because I was hammered and he wanted to leave. I would not go and he left me there with his friends. According to them we went to another bar and I took tequila shots and drank more with them. They put me in a cab and told the cabbie my address and sent me home. Somehow I ended up in the freezing cold walking in the middle of the main street, blocks from my house and a policeman picked me up and brought me to my house.
I do not remember any of that from that night. I have questioned whether I was drugged at the strip club which led me to forget and keep drinking, but the sick thing is that I never got tested because I was too scared the doctor would just come back and tell me that it was all from my drinking. I woke up with scratches on my hands and one on my back like I fell but don't remember doing so. C asked me if I cheated on him and I was not able to tell him yes or no. I have no idea why or how I ended up walking home instead of the cab I started out in. I don't even remember the initial fight with C.
It is a night like this that shows me how bad alcohol can be. I could have died that night. I could have been raped or wandered off and hit by a car. I could have frozen to death. I could have cheated on the man I love and not even remembered doing it. I cannot even fathom what my poor mother was thinking watching her own daughter incoherent and freezing naked in that tub.
I did not learn my lesson from that night right away and I am just barely beginning to grasp the depth of this disease now. But I know that writing these things down have been helping me, because it keeps the memories fresh in my mind and allows me to relive the moments that led me down that path.
I have no idea why C stayed with me after that night and after so many others. I have broken him and broken his idea of me. I am torn down in his eyes. But if any good can come from this it is that I am slowly making my way out of the fog and doing everything to try and make this right. I love him with all of my heart and I want a future that does not include any more nights like this. I want to be able to overcome this. One day at a time I am trying. I must not forget.
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