My holey spirit

I have felt broken lately.  Like my life and heart are aching, like my marriage and the little life I have been building has holes in it.  And I have been searching for answers and trying my best to be a better person through all of this.  I have turned so often to alcohol for fun that I have lost my true self and my relationships with others along the way.  I do not know what it is like to have a night on the town not clouded by poison.  I don't know how to wake rested on a weekend morning and go outside to see the sun without a headache burdening me.  I had started to equate bring drunk with being me, and that should not and is not the case.  I am a good person and have plenty to offer the world without being tipsy.  I want to appreciate the quiet life. I want to achieve a simple supportive relationship with my husband.  I want to be someone who C wants to be with forever.  I want to enjoy the company of others without the crutch of alcohol to lean on.  I want to go to church on Sunday and not have to ask repentence for my actions the night before.  I was God in my heart and in my life and I want to show him my devotion through my actions as a human being.  I want Him to shine through me until people take notice and ask what it is that I do to be so happy.  I want to fill the holes in my holey spirit with His Holy Spirit.  I am going to try.