Indifference

My husband and I are broken.  All week I have been quietly devastated, just moving through my day like molasses, putting one foot in front of the other and trying not to engage him or to tip the ever-so-delicately balancing boat.  For three days we basically coexisted.  By Thursday evening C kissed me goodnight as I went to work.  On Friday he came home after I was in bed and cuddled with me.  That brings us to Saturday night, my first attempt at making true amends.  We went out with friends, thankfully to a restaurant and not a full-fledged bar.  I ate dessert instead of drinking and no one asked me why.  We all chatted and laughed and generally had a decent time.  But C was cold.  He did not touch me or laugh with me.  We walked from the car three feet apart and I was too scared to try and hold his hand for fear of rejection.  And because part of me wants validation from him that he still loves me and still wants this to work.  My only inkling of hope was that he let me decide whether we should go out after dinner or go home.  I chose home and he went without protest.  I kissed him on the cheek as we went to bed together.  We have not said I Love You this week and it hurts my already squashed heart...