Fuck me and him and all of this

Here I am again.  Thought it would be longer before typing this but nope, C is pissed at me again and I am back at square one.  I drank this weekend because I thought we were having fun and things were going well, and once again that triggered C and we fought and he is looking at me with disgust again.  I have decided that this has gotten bad enough that I don't even need to do anything stupid while drinking to upset him anymore - the act alone is enough to set him off and after that I can do no right in his eyes.  He has said horrible things to me in the past few weeks and my heart is broken.  He has said multiple times that he wants to divorce me - no, that he can't wait to divorce me.  He has said that he does not like who I am and that he does not want to have kids with me.  Tonight he ripped on our sex life and went on and on about how i think I am perfect and an angel and verbally attacked me with such resentment that nothing I could say or do sofened the look in his eyes.  I was sitting on the floor bawling in front of him and he called me a child and told me to grow up.  I don't know how to deal with this or how to fix this.  We resent each other so much right now that going back to a normal relationship seems impossible right now.  I feel so lost and alone.  I want to feel loved and protected and I don't.  His love is conditional and I know the condition.  Why does giving in to it feel like giving up?